When was the last time you had a difficult conversation? With all the people we interact with and the diversity that enriches our workplaces and lives, it’s inevitable that we will run into other people who see the world differently than we do. It can be uncomfortable to realize we are not on the same page with another person, whether it’s a client, co-worker or family member. This discomfort can lead you to shut down, get upset or just give up on the conversation or relationship. Or, it can drive you to find more effective ways to connect with others.
The Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication model, which I’ve been sharing with others for more than 15 years, offers a time-tested process used around the world to transform difficult conversations and bridge differences in order to lead to mutually satisfying outcomes. The core element of this communication method is awareness of the things that matter most to us as people, known as Universal Human Needs. Needs motivate all we do, they are shared by all people and they can be met in many ways. Categories of human needs include survival, self-expression, safety and purpose, as well as social and emotional needs.
One way to ease difficult conversations is to look underneath the specific words and actions we observe, to discover the needs active in ourselves and others. To do so, we need to move out of a reactive state and into a place where we can consider the motivations underneath our own and others’ actions and words.
Years ago, I used the Compassionate Communication process to better a relationship with my father that was filled with difficult, exhausting conversations. My mother had passed away and, having had a very traditional relationship, my father was learning to do all the things she had done for him for more than 30 years, including relate to his youngest son. During this time, my father came to visit me.
The first task in transforming difficult conversations is to get clear on what matters to us in the situation at hand by translating judgments into needs. This clarifies what we are wanting that we haven’t received. Case in point: When my father entered my apartment, he noticed the clothes and papers strewn about the floor and said “Dave, you can’t keep a house!” Immediately, a firestorm of judgement rushed into my mind: “He doesn’t care for me; he’s so critical; etc.”
Had I acted on those judgments, our relationships would have been imperiled. Instead, I turned inside to notice what mattered to me. I found that I was upset and disappointed because I wanted support and care but wasn’t getting it. I identified what was important to me.
A more challenging element of transforming difficult conversations is getting in touch with what matters to the other person. We can do this through imaginative empathy, which means we guess or imagine the motivations beneath the other’s behavior. Though we can’t be certain what is going on in them, guessing at their unmet needs is a big step toward reconnection. This action puts us in the other’s shoes and lessens the space between us.
When I considered my father’s words, I imagined what mattered to him was my well-being. I guessed he was concerned about me and surprised at the state of my apartment. He cared but didn’t know how to express his caring in a way I could hear.
By connecting with what matters to us and guessing at what matters to the other person, we prepare ourselves for a dialogue to mend our differences. In this dialogue, both parties express their needs. Since needs are universal, both parties can understand and appreciate the other’s motivations and determine how to move forward with the relationship.
My awareness that I needed care and support, and my guess that my dad needed my well-being, set the stage for dialogue. I shared what mattered to me and listened to what mattered to my father. With this common understanding, we bridged our superficial differences and made agreements about how to communicate in the future. This interaction dramatically improved how my father and I relate to each other. Today, my father is one of my best friends and our difficult conversations are now in the past. FBN
By David McCain
David McCain, owner of Communicating with Heart, fulfills his life purpose by helping individuals and businesses communicate more effectively. He helps individuals increase their well-being through training, coaching and mediation, and offers training, consulting and motivational speaking services to help businesses get work done more effectively, efficiently and enjoyably. To learn more about Communicating with Heart or to make an appointment with David, visit CommunicatingWithHeart.com or call 619-218-7554.
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